The travails of introverted kids in schools

 

The vast majority of middle and high school teachers are extroverts (there is a considerable number of introverted teachers in elementary school, though) and I have found that most teachers tend not to understand introverted kids, who have a preference for social interaction with only a few other individuals. For example, a lot of teachers get annoyed at kids who never raise their hands or never speak up in front of the whole class. When they try to encourage all kids to raise their hands, they actually involuntarily encourage extraverted kids to speak up more often, even when they are clueless (quite a common phenomenon in classrooms).

First things first, a surprisingly large number of adults are not sure if they are introverts or extroverts. That is because most people aren’t really anywhere extreme on the E/I spectrum. Both, teachers and parents aren’t often even aware of the distinction and whether their kids are introverts or extroverts. With the exception of the really withdrawn students, in schools children typically interact with one - three other students, and this is a number both introverts and extroverts are fairly comfortable with. So, how do you find out if a child is introverted or extraverted?

Parents are the ones who can find out most easily. I never thought of my younger son (usually very friendly and not asocial in any way) as an introvert until kindergarten. When he got invited to parties, he started to have regular meltdowns (crying and not knowing what to do) after a while. Soon he started to dread going to parties. Making him aware that he is an introvert and that he needs alone time when the stress hormone levels get high, has helped him a lot in enjoying parties again. When he starts to feel the stress, he simply alerts the other kids that he needs to have his “alone time” and then withdraws for a while.

However, parties aren’t are sure sign to find out if a child is introverted or extroverted. A lot of introverted kids enjoy parties as long as they spend them with their intimate circle of friends. My favourite test: ask a child after a school day how his/her day has been. Introverts typically refuse to answer this question, because their brains are full of cortisol/stress hormones and the last thing they want to do is talk, because that would drain their energy even more. If you ask an extroverted kid how their day at school was, they would most probably happily tell you every minor detail about it, despite perhaps being physically tired. While introverts get too much social interaction at schools, extroverts paradoxically might not get enough (meaningful) social interaction at schools. After all the kids have to sit still for a lot of the time.

So, what are some common problems of introverts at school? When I talked to the teacher of my younger son about his problems in first grade, she only mentioned one: irritability and mild occasional aggression. I was quite surprised because aggression is not a trait I associate with my son at home. I mentioned to the teacher that my son is an introvert, she was confused to what that means, and I explained to her that I think the aggression can be explained to increased levels of stress hormones due to a prolonged social setting.

Social problems with introvert can arise easily. A kid who is constantly reminded that being quiet is not ok or that there might be something wrong with her might easily become self-conscious and shy (shyness is not an inherent trait of introverts!). This happens particularly with intuitive introverts, who are deep introverts (those are the kids who find it almost impossible to raise their hands or voice in the classroom). Imagine how easily that lonely kid in the corner, who is in desperate need of alone time gets labelled a “weirdo” by his classmates and perhaps even his teachers. It is easy to see how such labelling can create a vicious circle. Even for people who are not introverted, All the withdrawn students I have are intuitive introverts who typically have acquired a social phobia and suffer from OCD, failure anxiety, and other social anxieties.

Even self-confident introverts often find it hard to cope in school. Their heightened stress levels lead to:

• Difficulty in focussing on tasks (e.g. writing)
• Difficulty in joining groups with less familiar students
• Difficulty in performing in front of the class (presentations, reading aloud, doing math on the board)

Introverts often feel they are treated unfairly when getting bad grades in such circumstances (not raising their hands, not participating in group work, failing at a presentation, etc.).

The travails of introverts, however, often don’t stop when school is over. When they come home their parents often make them do homework straight after lunch. This is incredibly tough for introverts, because they haven’t had time to reduce their stress levels yet. It would be way better to get out into the fresh air for a while. My boys also like to relax watching a video or playing a video game. Unfortunately, most parents wouldn't allow their kids to do so, before they haven’t finished their homework. Finally, one of the worst things parents can do to their introverted kids: sign them up for clubs during weekdays. After a day of school and after their homework the last thing introverted kids want to have is more social stress.

So, what can parents do? They can make their kids and the teachers aware of how introverts work and that introverts are not defective extroverts. My younger son has been able to deal with parties more easily since he leared about this. For older kids I can recommend Susain Cain's book "Quiet Power: The Secret Strengths of Introverted Kids", which has helped my older son understand himself better.

To Alexander, my younger son

To Susan Cain, a very cool introverted intuitive, who helped me understand that introversion is nothing to be ashamed of.