Advice for parents of gifted children

Like all children, gifted children can be an immense joy and a huge challenge for parents. With gifted children, this experience as a parent is even more intense, though. As a parent of gifted children, I have made many mistakes but I have done many things right intuitively.

Here is some advice I can give from my experience with raising gifted children.

First of all, you have to understand that they are different. They are different in having extreme hunter-gatherer minds, that are egalitarian and hate authority, in particular when they can’t see any logical reasons why they should or shouldn’t do something. In fact, this is a question you will frequently hear from a gifted toddler: “Why?”. It won’t always be easy to get a gifted kid to do what he or she is supposed to do. Most often they do it because they understand why there is a necessity and because they love their parents. They might still do it grudgingly.  Forcing a gifted kid will hurt him/her more than normal kids. I know that from personal experience: when I tried to force my gifted son to do his homework and study harder for school he threatened to commit suicide. I didn’t take that threat seriously, but I should have at least thought about it. I finally did, when one day he ran away. Of course, he came back a couple of hours later, but I started to understand that this was much more serious than I had thought.

I know it sounds crazy, but imagining my kids as hunter-gatherer children programmed for the savannah rather than a farmer society has helped me understand them better. Not only why they hate authority, but also why

• they wake up more easily at night,
• they find it hard to fall asleep after an intensive day (due to sensory overload)
• they are highly sensitive to certain physical stimuli such as noise
• they are more cautious than other children (including picky eating)
• they find social status and hierarchy hard to understand

When it comes to learning a Montessori approach at home is best. After all Maria Montessori had a hunter-gatherer mind herself, who suffered through the traditional school system. Of course, they will only learn the things that really interest them with passion. You might have to trick or nudge them into making them do what they are supposed to do, and sometimes it is best just to give in. My son Alexander usually does all his homework but hates to learn poems by heart and it makes him cry with anger. So, I told him he doesn’t have to do it and if his teacher has a problem with that she should talk to me.

Accepting that your child is different and helping him/her understand that is the best thing you can do. I have talked a lot with my oldest son about hunter-gatherer minds to help him do so. I also read Susan Cain’s book Quiet with him to help him understand about extroverts and introverts. My younger son used to have regular meltdowns during parties. Since I told him about introverts he simply finds himself a quiet place to read when he feels exhausted and then rejoins the party when he is ready to do so.

The worst thing is trying to make your child “normal”. A gifted kid will never be “normal” in the sense that he or she will blend in effortlessly. If a child is introverted and has special interests it is the best thing to give the child the necessary alone time and to foster her interest. I have heard from gifted people that their parents discouraged them from reading early, stating it is not normal (it is for gifted children) and that they will be bored at school if they learn to read early (they will be anyway). In fact, it is better your child is bored in school than if they miss out on a lot because of their inattentiveness; the latter might get them into special ed rather than a gifted programme.

Giving a child the message that she should be more “normal” is also a horrible thing to do. A lot of gifted children get the feeling that they are somehow deficient or not good enough. It is a message that is hard to take for any child, even more so for a hunter-gatherer child who is extremely sensitive towards criticism. Well-meaning parents may only contribute to causing the gifted child to wither instead of thriving in this way.